As a young girl I would always be baffled as to why the Israelites continually faltered before the Lord. I mean, God continually made Himself present in deed, then in the form of deliverance: with Moses as His foil, and yet again when they continued to tremble He became visible to them as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. All this took place as He was leading them to their perfect place to the "pot of gold." He did not become pompous and demand their acknowledgement, yet He repeatedly "earned" their acknowledgement adding reassurance so that they could know, SEE, and be comforted.
Having dedicated my life to Christ at the age of five I was convinced that there was no way I could possibly be a classic case of Israel. By seven, I was even more solidified in this thought; because in my mind, if sexual abuse could not shake my faith nothing ever would. Ah! Wait a second, let us back track. Did not Israel stand firm to God while in bondage in Egypt? Just as I stood tall with Christ while in bondage: so had the Israelites. You see at times, even in bondage, it is easy. Christ gets you through and you assume the hard part is over. When the abuse subsided and I was asked what got me through I would enthusiastically reply, "God, Jesus," or "my faith." Not once did I consider that this was just the beginning of my journey through the desert. This is nearly a mirror picture of the Israelites as they exited Egypt, by the hand of the Lord, they rejoiced (Exodus 15) giving God full credit and acknowledgement.
At the age of nine, I truly believed that the hell of my life was over. I continued to grow as a Christian and middle school was a breeze for me Spiritually. Things could only look up from here.
Seeking "my Hosea"
I searched for my Hosea in numerous places. I became a wreck. I tried to find fulfillment in exceeding in my sports. I would be in the weight room twice a day with two practices a day. There were days I'd put over 8 hours into my physique and excelling in my athletics. By no means am I saying that being dedicated is wrong, I simply was searching for fulfillment in the wrong place. I hung out with different guys expecting each one to fill the my desperate attempts for "more." I had a desire to be enough, to be needed. Not just enough when trying to be, but enough when I was in my most miserable and unattractive state. My family fell apart. Due to my mindset I did not feel as if I was welcome or "a part" there either.
Denial was tearing me apart. For about six months I denied the existence of God. If there was a "God" he would not let my hell run this deep. Seventeen years of a continuous downward spiral when I'd been "nothing but good." From there my search for my Hosea became a desperate plea, clawing at anything I could grasp. I could not bear to tell my family about my religious stance. So, in turn, I distanced myself completely.
There I stood, my name now Israel. With all the brainy knowledge of the Bible I could consume I stood emotionally empty. I was in the pits, as Winston Churchill said, "if you're going through hell, keep going," but the thing was I could not continue.
I craved to be accepted.
Little did I know: I was.
My Hosea had already found me. He had never left me, yet He stood waiting for my return. Waiting for right moment to draw me back to Him. Painfully, He watched me sell my mind, body, and soul to the grips of the world. He knew that the perfect moment would come for me to acknowledge Him as my permanence. Unaware, I floundered, longing to know why everything had fallen short and the world had abandoned me.
Even now I get entrapped in the cosmic idea that my boyfriend, sports, school, or family will fulfill the gaps of my consistent shortcomings.
Today, while reading Hosea I had this moment of enlightenment. I was literally stricken by the clarity of what God was teaching me in that moment.
As I was reading the truths in the book of Hosea all the days where I face myself with chagrin as a result of my past came flooding in. Choices that I find myself searching for a button to recoil what has already taken place, yet it is these moments that leave me more in love with 'my Hosea.'
Truth:
God will remove the name of empty desire from my lips.
He will provide for me a door of hope.
From my brokenness He will allure me into His stillness speaking words of tenderness.
Regardless of my numerous short comings to the Lord and the hostility I publicly displayed toward God He:
betroths me FOREVER
( I was searching my whole life for someone to accept me forever)
in RIGHTEOUSNESS + JUSTICE
(after all my sin I can be JUSTICE -sweet thought.)
in LOVE + COMPASSION
(He will render no animosity towards my record)
He will remain FAITHFUL
(though I wander He is my rock/my home court.)
Thus, I will acknowledge Jesus Christ as my Hosea.
Because He took me.
He perfected me.
Before Him I stand shameless.
My search is complete, yet the journey has just begun.
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