Went to the ER yesterday

I've attempted to write this post multiple times.  I want to write more frequently, yet I am a deeply emotionally driven person.  Hence I cannot force myself to make a post if i do not have anything that has inspired me.  Perhaps I have something to say today after multiple tries I came up with a thought.

As I was playing one of my favorite songs to play and sing on the piano Angel by Sarah McLachlan a thought struck.

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
That brings me to my knees.

As i was singing these simple words I came to a realization, that is, I realized this once was true of me.  To be truly happy I believe one must experience devastation and sadness.  In reaching a sobering low point one is able to appreciate the littlest blessing in life.

I used to savor my depression and found a comfort in this solidarity that i had created for myself.  this however creates an extremely unhealthy mental and physical status.  I cannot say i will never fall back into this, yet i do know I have learned that depression is not the answer.  Sadness can teach the world a multitude of valuable lessons.  We must come out of this sadness and times of trouble with a strength that only can be found through fibers being stripped clean and slowly rebuilt.

I have experienced sweet madness in my life.  And i have reached moments where it has been easier to embrace this the madness and sadness became a glorious thing to me.  it was why i woke every morning it was my purpose.

Brings Me To My Knees

....this is the line that has found me where i am today.  I woman who is a strong individual-through Christ.  I struggle with bringing myself to my knees and this is when i fall back into finding home in my madness.

I struggle every single day.

Very cliche blah post..not sure what i was getting at

I find myself looking at people's lives and being jealous.  Jealous of their family, clothes, cars, everything jealous at the mere fact that they look happy.  "They don't know how lucky they are" I will catch myself thinking.  Then i pause.

- i could be that person.  

Maybe there is some girl looking at me thinking the same thing when in reality we are exactly the same.

Everyone struggles in life.  I may seem like a picture perfect girl, no problems, life is going fabulous.  I'm going to University next year.  Life is good. And I am serious life is good.  It's the little things we must reflect on and hold on with all our might too so that we will see life as a beautiful thing.  

I have this thing where I believe i am going to die young.  Maybe because i secretly want that at times.  I have no desire to die or a desire too live. I am happy to live and i cherish life and what it offers.  It offers me a chance to help others and to smile and to gift the world with a gift whatever that may be.  

i really wish i could create an anonymous blog so that i could write about certain things so that i could help more people, yet not help just relate with my peers with people so that they may be able to help themselves. but no one would find it. and perhaps people knowing that i struggle with stupid silly things will help.

life is a personal decision.  how one looks at life is personal.  you can make promises for others. yet no matter how much you want to do it for them you will not be able to do it unless your heart and soul wants to do this.  Heart and soul that sounds cliche, but it's not. that's what it takes.

picture perfect girl..no. far from it. i am not. 

-depression

-insecurity

-eating

-family problems

-injuries

-faith

i've struggled with every single one of these.

you could call me a fake cause i "act" happy. yet it's not an act.  I am happy. happy to see you smile.   

amidst every problem you face.  take courage you are not alone. those people you look over at and are jealous of because they have the "perfect" life. don't we are all in this together.  we live we learn and with every hurt we become more beautiful.  we can find strength in each other

we must find our voice

 

come together

The beginning of the end...Friday

Saying goodbye
It takes all that I have
It's so good 'til it's gone
Crying when you hear
These words float from my mouth
You say,
"I'm still here"
"I always will be"
Impossible to say...
I just can't say
What is really on
On my mind
You are on my mind

Fluff&Marbles

Cannot write today.  Too many distractions..a lack of distraction?  I have written something, yet am not pleased with it's content.  I cannot find the words.  Perhaps I'll come back tomorrow and present you with something worthwhile of a read.  

The long break has been quite nice, yet still I find myself struggling to find rest.

My brain feels like it is full of fluff.  The type of fluff you find in your stuffed teddy bear, but if you split my head open it (the fluff) would immediately become dense in the form of marbles and scatter across the floor in a jumble of a mess.  

Concussion...never pleasant...creating lasting effects..

....is it me?...is it stress?...is it a damaged brain?...a defense mechanism?..                                     Who Knows

Ignorance is Bliss

In a life where numerous moments of pain are seen one must learn to cherish the little moments.  Moments of bliss.  No matter what form they come in their presence must be captured and engraved into a memory that will never fade.  

Today I experienced a couple of these moments.  I was able to see how wonderful a capacity of love and grace one is capable of showing.  Even if one is not aware of this love they hold.  A caring is illuminated in the presence of friendship.  Ignorance it may be, to erase the infliction of pain one felt, and to surpass that with a kindness and acceptance.  I cherish your friendship. You are a moment I live for.  

Their World

Unattached I gaze at the buzz around me
So much pain and hurt I feel set apart
I am unable to relate with you and your world. Their world.
My world is racked, that is, it is racked from your view.
Welcome, welcome to my norm, join the population
I live nowhere, no location finds me peace
Pulling away, I create a gap.
As I go.  As I travel this road I am feeding.
Feeding this separation. I left my soul behind.
It roams in the space between me and you
My spirit knows I belong there-with you
Every time I leave. I feel it drift the further I go.
Each step is as if a drop, a drop of my soul flees
Flees to its being.  And I . I cry to realize. I ache to feel.
I am not my souls home.  I do not have a soul.
[It doesn't feel at home inside me.]
My soul has left me.
It went on a journey perhaps it will return someday
Ready for another round...I hope it returns.
I must win it back.
Provide it a safe haven.  A place to rest.
It fears I will shatter.  And it will be left prey.
Vulnerable in a world where it does not belong.

Alive

I'm living the moment grasping the now
Many of you don't understand how
How I do what I do and speak what I say
If you doubt my passion, question my faith
I'll turn and walk away
Because I live in the moment grasp the now

An instant is exactly how it sounds
A chance to seize a dream, to live
Don't pass this up it's all you'll ever get
Can't wait 'til tomorrow cause then it's too late
Live with urgency, but don't sacrifice peace
Finding a median striving to be (complete)

I'll live in the moment
Carefree in manner, yet committed to my future.
I crave to be carefree, but never play with careless
My future is everything, but it may never come
Commitment and loyalty two things I wish to reflect

I know I speak of seizing the now
An apology I owe to those I love
I'm sorry, I'll be the first to admit
I cannot show this emotion I feel
Just know it's there bottled inside
I would die for you. I Love You.

Porcelain

I feel like an empty porcelain statue with a gorgeously painted on smile, but I'm one of them that's been dropped a billion times shattered to a million tiny pieces some lost forever, yet someone took the time and pieced me back together. Through my imperfections I am once again flawless. Every crack I embrace as beautiful because you taught me that the shadows are as important as the light. Tread carefully. I am porcelain. However, I am not scared of a fall because I know he'll piece me together. He puts me together. I am porcelain.

Insanity

Waiting for the ending
I wait for the ending
Whether it is filled with laughter or insanity
Either way I will not smile
It is as if I have been falling
The sky is bright
And as I gaze out my window
My eyes behold a strange sight
I see a strange sight
Dancing in the rain
Children are laughing
As they dance in the rain
These children are laughing
Anger fills me to see them
I frown upon their existence

Light rains down from the night sky
Washing away all my fear of insanity
The rain is falling on my dark place
It melts my anger

There are no happy endings
Life is full of insane people
People are mad
Dark lies rule their lives
A young girl
Is caught in the dark
One of these creatures entangled her
He broke the glass window
Separating bright smiles and darkness
I was made to believe in insanity
Insanity is my Belief

I see children dancing
The rain has turned blood red
There is terror-chaos
Dark creatures roam
My mind has been taken over
Held in captivity
I am insane

Plop!

It reduces me to tears.  There is a hole in my heart.  A gap.  Not a gap, not a hole, there's a leak.  There's this spot that seeps.  Seeps out sadness and pain.  It is always going. It is like a dam.  Most days I don't notice it.  It just  continues to drip.  As everyday buzz and flurry soaks it all up.  I don't notice it everyday, but I do feel it.  I'm conscious of its presence.  The pressure it's building this leak no longer seeping.  It's spilling and rushing.  The floodgates are open, yet that's not enough.  It cascades it fills me.  This torrent of sorrow and pain. Then all of a sudden I fall deep asleep.  Wake and it's as if a mop sopped it all up.  I get up and go and I feel it the seeping as it drips, drips down into my toe.

Staying Alive the Only Way I Know How

We all live in a world of expectations and goals.  With the evolution of expectations we open the door to failure.  To some failure is nearly non existent, yet others can be nearly devastated by the occurrence.  There is lopsidedness to our very beings, conflictions that just rake us back and forth, ultimately causing turmoil within each and every one at some fleeting moment or another.  We are at war with ourselves fight for that last grip on what we are and who we want to become.  Expectations bind us to what we are either expectations we tie ourselves to or ones that others have tattooed to our lives without consent.  We, just tiny little creatures stand facing these gaping walls surround us, trapping us in our own little spheres the boundaries of which we don’t dare to break. 

I am surprised that failure has not pulled us out of the galaxy, because it weighs on us so heavily at times.  It weighs down our country, our economy, our schools, our homes, our lives, and our spirits.  It is a beast lurking at every turn, at every joyous moment, waiting to pounce on us when we are least expecting it.  There are times that we do not even pause to see what may take the responsibility for this failure.  Failure stalks us. We are presumably fleeing and staying out of its grips, yet it is stealthy, always one step ahead waiting for its golden moment.  We cannot evade it, this golden moment, it will arrive, make its grand entrance steal over the crowd and leave us in a state of defeat.  Nevertheless, there is a spark in each of us and only a select few will dig down deep enough to grasp it.  Of the precious few who have taken hold of that spark even fewer will be courageous enough to light their fire once again to take the risk and jump off the ledge; they will stumble back on stage and win back the crowd accepting the fact that defeat it once more on the horizon. 

We all have this light a “fiber, very thin but pure, of the enormous energy of the world,” this sliver of hope, this beam has been “thrust into [our] frail diminutive body,” by which we are replenished.  Failure is no longer on our horizon as we will fight our way back into the light.  The energy is fulfilling; it drives our ambitions, our dreams, and our faith.  In what we establish this faith we may be unaware, yet this energy makes us care not for that which we feel we just continue forging forward.  We are insignificant creatures and we will search anywhere to find our source of energy.  Many of us cannot look at something massive and incredible because we find that intimidating.  We resort to something we can relate to on a personal level, yet something that holds a significant “force” or “energy” for their size.  We do not realize in essence we are “little or nothing but life” who we are in the end doesn’t even matter, yet we still grasp life and what it has to offer. 

We are often bogged down by the world and life.  Time constricts us in so many ways confining us to limited moments and adventures.  There is this aura of subjectivity that we feel we are held submissive to.   Tragedy strikes within someone’s life a life altering moment, yet the world keeps on spinning it does not change.  We may be torn apart inside screaming with our eyes because perhaps that is the only way we know how, but still that power massed outside will remain indifferent and impersonal.  Only a being equally as insignificant as us will understand this feeling of emptiness and pain.  I am one of these insignificant beings; this unspoken power holds me prey.  It is through this that I relate on a deeper more significant level, I know this feeling of no control.  Through this absence of control there is a sense of failure.  Failure to what we perhaps if we were stronger could have controlled.  We may have prevented others from this pain. I find this to be a failure I am inadequate to portray through writing.   When you go through inexplicable moments and the only thing you want is for someone to notice your pain.  Nevertheless, you look outside at this amassed power you watch the world continue on as if nothing could ever be wrong at all.  You are staying alive the only way you know how.  All you hold onto is that “tiny bead of pure life” that sliver of hope that remains buried somewhere under all your fears. 

In the presence of sorrow often the only way to get through is to resort to a mask.  This mask will hide who we are as we put on a face to cover our true feelings, yet this presents problems when we wear a mask our “face grows to fit it." Though we can dance our way through problems and float across the surface in the end this uses all our energy.  It is impossible to last forever.  After hiding so long behind a mask and dancing we lose who we are. Bouts of depression may be caused by us pausing to take of our mask and examining who we used to be.  Many use all their energy up dancing their way through life and resort to their only way of escape. Death.

It is only when we relax and bring our minds to a place of serenity that we can truly live and breathe.  People speak of death as a time limit as if it is the worst possibility.  Death to some is something they are running from all theirs lives.  I for one believe that death can be a way of escape for many.  There are those who long for the day that they die whether or not they believe in after life in one form or another. This world is a prison to them and death is the only route to freedom. 

In life when we accept our failure and acknowledge our defeat it is only after that moment that we can choose what to do next we have two options: we can step back on that stage and proceed to play our encore with a ravaged peace and serenity within the air or we can triumph through death.  Through death we remain triumphant because it is only through death that we find ourselves without anyone holding us to standards.  Failure is not present in death.  All limits have been eliminated.  However, when we find ourselves standing on that stage the aura of victory fills the air crushing whatever signs of failure were remaining.  For this fleeting moment we are deaf to the thunder of failure approaching again; we are living the moment, grasping the now.

Coffee

I drink coffee.  I drink a lot of coffee.  I drink unhealthy amounts of coffee.

I struggle with the concept of loving yourself.  I grew up in a setting where it was frowned upon to love yourself.  Perhaps it is simply the way that this statement has been phrased.  Let me rewrite it as, being happy with who you are as a person.

I do not adore who I am as a person.  It's the little things.  I for one do not like my intense consumption of coffee.  Is that a serious problem? No, I do not believe that it is.  However, it is something I wish to change about my lifestyle. 

You see those people who are on a quest to make a radical change in their life.  I am one of those people.  I seek to make a radical change.  I am weak.  Failure is all to clear of a realization.  I say I am going to change.  The list of changes is a mile long. 

I seek a better outlook.  I have turned from a list to a single change that I take on and strive to change.  Once I conquer I continue.  I continue on towards the next checkpoint.  Change is gradual.  You must die to yourself to move one.

"what lies behind you

what lies in front of you

pales in comparison to

what lies inside you" -MH

Clarity

Writing, a significant explanation of who I am.  Often who I once was.  The future.  Life is a journey.  Sadly, we often find ourselves in times of trouble and confusion.  Hope.  My hope is that someone may find clarity here.   

Love -

This simple word a lifeline.

Removing myself from self destructing behavior was incredibly difficult.

Love -

Four letters were branded upon my wrist in ink. There wasn't a day that went by that those letters were absent.

Love -

Love found its way somewhere else and I no longer depended solely upon this lifeline.

Love -

Showed up again. Was there.

Sitting on my wrist, where I was looking to sabotage my life once again, was the word

Love.

...used to be that someone loved me so I didn't do it...

Hope in the Future

Often I question my existence.  Why am I here?  Why do I walk this earth.  I know somewhere deep inside of me there is a reason.  A reason of tremendous significance. I am here to make a difference.  I have made mistakes.  At this stage of my life it is one of the most disastrous and chaotic times.  I am quite literally all over the place.  I do not like who I am.  I wonder everyday.  I wonder what am I doing. I let myself down every moment and instance.  What troubles me most is my lack of belief.  I am one of little faith.  Of little hope.  What keeps me going is that eventually somewhere in the future this will help.  It will help a child. A person. A being who is a shadow.  Possibly, something I'm doing now will help. 

I have a strong belief that our world has a marred view on what is and should be inspiring and looked up to.  What should a life changing moment be.  Many, I suppose, look towards those individuals or families who are healthy, successful,  and have what is considered to be strong faith.  These are our role models.  This I have found to be extremely discouraging.  Finding strength and encouragement.  I find strength in those who are weak.  I believe that no matter how far a person has gone either success or in what "we" as the world would stereo type as failure they have the ability to be the most inspiring person.  I have been inspired and challenged by homeless people on the edge of the street.  I have had my faith in Christ strengthened by one who had no belief.  

It is through these moments that I see glimmers of hope for who I am.  It is said that God has a plan.  Jeremiah 29:11 " plans for hope and a future"  It has been for sometime that my purpose in life is my life.  Life's little moments.  Every trial and encounter I have experienced and endured.  These moments are being etched into my memory.  I hope to reach many and inspire, yet isn't that every persons dream.   A dream to reach the world.  To bring hope to those who have none.  My vision. To reach the few who listen.  The few who are deaf to the world, but miraculously I was the one chosen to bring sound into their souls.  Perhaps it is a smile.  Or even a tear I cry that will touch the heart or soul of someone.  A stranger, a friend, or an enemy.  I will continue to live with the hope that I do have a purpose.  I have a purpose.  The future is my hope.

Sedated

From slicing and dicing
Searing and cutting
Appears the new mold
This mode of peace
I don't care what you think
No tension. Just chill it's like i'm high
I've never smoked a stoag and come out high
How am I chill.
It's chaotic.
What is this. it's like im dead
I'm a ghost walking around.
Living for others so they don't have to deal with my death
Living to keep you happy
Living for me, no
Living for peace living to survive
To move on this is what I live for
I live to find love
Love is my last quest
To feel loved
I never have.
Not a quest to make love.
Simply feel love and fall in love
If I can allow myself that vulnerability
I am ready to die.
I float through my days.
Everyday is the same
Whether I am productive
Or lazy and complete not a single task
I will be satisfied and have a calm being.
I don't have a soul.

It's in a bind.

Look at all the people...

It is one thing to cry yourself to sleep, yet something completely different to simply fall asleep crying. 

A ghost living to keep you happy ~

What do you do?
When your world falls apart
You can’t stay home
Yet you have no where to go

What do you do?
When there’s screaming and fighting
Bruises and crying
And no place to hide

What do you do?
When you’re thrown to the ground
Treated like dirt, without worth
And no one to pick you up

What do you do?
When they disown you
Act like they don’t know you
And all you wanted was love

What would you do?
If You Were Me

Etched in the sand…
Every time I make one mistake I feel unworthy of love and acceptance
Every time I fear that you will not like who I am anymore
You will just move on like there will never be anything I can do to make it right.
Is this thinking flawed.
Will there ever be anyone who just takes me in their arms and tells me that I will never be able to change what they think of me.
No matter what my mistakes they will love and cherish me.

Keep Listening

Is it weird that I’d rather be alone?

Even though I crave your touch

Everyday I sit in silence peaceful calm chaos in my mind

I long to be held, to just even gaze in your eyes

But you aren’t here you’ll never be by my side.

I’d rather be alone to minimize the pain

All I ever bring is pain

I bring pain.

I just want you to understand
That I do really care

Bout that gleam in your eyes

The bounce in your step

I know something is amiss

When those are gone

It makes me worry about

What I’m over looking

Was it something I did

Some words that I said

So please, tell me what’s wrong

I’ll keep listening

As you unravel your story

One of sorrows and glories

Only then will I begin to see

You as you really are

A foreigner to this world

One rare shining star

Perfect on the Outside

Perfect on the Outside we may seem

Step inside come live our lives

Screaming fighting pasted smile

Past on a smile

What is a dream
How can it be defined
Is it reaching out and wanting the impossible
Is it defying the meaning of impossible

"Where love is lost, your ghost is found"

I gasp for air. I am weary.

I sit.

Every fiber of my being begs for rescue.

I am unable to handle this reoccurring pain.

Beat into the ground I feel worthless.

Is this your plan God?

Endure. Respect. Rebel. Impatience.

Pitiful.

I am a mess a heap. I am nothing.

Your plan has unfolded.

Where to now? We've run out of options.

Heaving. Sobbing. Anguish.

I sense it's over.

Sorrow. Realization.

We will never get these moments back.

“Cut” there is no chance for take two.

Our life is an improv gone bad.

Wait. Hold up. I take it back.

Stone. Ice. Steele Soul.

No, you're too late.

Damage has been done.

We've built ourselves a guillotine

Decisions made. It's over.

Halfway down. Can't turn back.

Drops. Sears. “Cut”

Skin

Skin

I am alone as I often am

Secluding myself from the rest of the world

My skin is my bubble

A perfect barrier between me and them

Unable to run like in a dream

Stuck watching the hands of time

It keeps me from engaging with the world

Being one with them

One will never understand

Pushing outside this rigid flexible wall

Breaking the mold is near impossible

Unless within my skin you will never understand.

Conquer

Conquer

Every few breath is a rasping short deep intake

My breathing continues to worsen.

I walk. I sit. I lay.

It seems I'm holding my breath.

Waiting for it to become easier.

Waiting for life to unravel into a fairytale.

Yet not every fairytale is ever after.

Nothing to expect.

Wait. Endure. Eventually Conquer.

I have shattered

Shattered

Sometimes I feel so vulnerable.

Just as a spider web.

Strong, yet if touched in one place: ruined.

I'm ready to shatter like broken glass.

I Have

I've heard the whispers screaming through the night.

I've heard the silent child's cry.

I've seen the anger written on their arms.

Loneliness in a crowded storm.

Forever would be better

I have these walls
Ones that are impossible to break

You get to me.
That alone it terrifies me.

It's adorable that you care.
What's scary is that I may too.

Now I'm wary that I'll push you away.
As if losing you forever would be better.

During the Earthquakes in Japan

I sit here on this sill
Staring at the world around me
It's so tranquil and calm
As if nothing could be wrong

Chaos and havoc over in Japan
People are dying and cursing His name
They suffer and grasp for something
A hope that's left of what used to be

A normal day an eternity away
They call out for help
Shouting out into the unknown
Praying for the first time

One thing mustn't be done
Don't ever question "why?"
Understanding is not within reach
We cannot fathom this life

Just live and believe
Believe in those you love
Believe in yourself
Never lose sight of Hope

The shadows are as important as the light

Things make me question.
Why do people do things
What motivates their actions
Do they consider the consequences
Does other peoples pain matter
Is loss of respect important
These things make me question
They make me wonder
I wonder why

Simply a Game?

You and I along with every athlete should know this.
You step on the pitch for a match
Everthing--every, emotion, problem, dislike, love
Everything is forgotten
That is everything except the game
Not a step can be taken
Across that line
Until you can drop that weight off your back
The weight of life
Until the last whistle blows.
Inside the lines
Your teammates become family for 90 minutes
Disagreements are cast away
This is all done to take part in the beautiful game
Everything you had is gone
You must drag your feet to make it back
Outside the lines, back to reality
You left it all, all you had, on the field
You left it there for your team, for the game
Most of all you left it there
For you
"Soccer is my passion but it is not my life
I sometimes used to struggle with separating the two,
I do not anymore."

Miss Whatcom County

                                This is my sister.  She did it. I'm proud of her. And I love her.

(Sometimes simplicity is the only way)



Dare: Breathe

Every breath brings stabbing pain

Knowing I won't see you again

I grasp and I cling to what I have left

This pain that comes with every breath

I'm breathing out, one more time

Trying to remove the stain you left

Praying the pain won't rise again

Sometimes a fire, sometimes a coal

It's forever embedded deep in my soul

I'm breathin' in and breathin' out

Wondering how life will turn out

Because every breath reminds me of you

And everything that we'd do

In Memory of Jason Brockmann

A Merdian High School Senior Jason Brockmann was tragically hit and killed by a car while walking on the side of the road.  Prayer for his family and friends would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

Anytime
Pretty much anywhere
Your best friend
A worst enemy
Does it matter who
The time place or year
When someone dies
Reality lives on
It could've been you
As easy as them
Would you be ready
Don't live with regrets
Find what's important
Put it in play
Live your life
Like a last day
Make it count
For all it's worth
So you can be proud
Of any last days

Paper and Pen

Paper and Pen

So much to say
No one is here though
You pick up the phone
But you stop right there
Why would anyone care?
You pick up a pen
Then reach for paper
There are tears
It’s hard to see now
The pen seems to know you
And words keep on flowing
Papers are filling
The tears stop spilling
When no words are left
The candle flickers out
As you drift, off to sleep
You realize you have new friends
Ones that will never leave
Your Paper and Pen

January 27th

It has been quite awhile and I apologize, but sometimes your life gets ahead of you and you have to try and catch up.  So I paused some things and caught up with my life.



My 17th Birthday



Wow! What to say?  I had an amazing 17th birthday!  My family made it so wonderful and special.  Mom made a special dinner and dessert that I got to enjoy with my family and my grandma.  My parents bought tickets to the TobyMac concert I had been dying to go to, but couldn't afford.  So after dinner Jordan, Zach and I headed to Canada for the TobyMac concert.  Yea, I love TobyMac and all, but this was special to me.  I went to the same concert last year and it was a significant moment in my life.  At that time I had been going through a difficult year and I thought I'd never get back to where I was before.  I had tried so hard and failed time and time again.  It was at the concert last year when TobyMac was talking and he said, "all you have to do is turn around and God will meet you right where you are."  Wow, that's all I could think.  It was right then that I turned around and God met me with open arms.  It wasn't me trying to get back and that's what I had failed to realize.  God was waiting for me to surrender myself and acknowledge that it was only through Him that I could find my strength.  He is my strength. God used that concert and TobyMac to bring that simple reminder to me.  So, that was my birthday I went to a wonderful concert where I got to worship God and be reminded of God's grace towards me.  It is moments like these that I live for.  Where I understand my total helplessness and embrace God's Love.