Porcelain

I feel like an empty porcelain statue with a gorgeously painted on smile, but I'm one of them that's been dropped a billion times shattered to a million tiny pieces some lost forever, yet someone took the time and pieced me back together. Through my imperfections I am once again flawless. Every crack I embrace as beautiful because you taught me that the shadows are as important as the light. Tread carefully. I am porcelain. However, I am not scared of a fall because I know he'll piece me together. He puts me together. I am porcelain.

Insanity

Waiting for the ending
I wait for the ending
Whether it is filled with laughter or insanity
Either way I will not smile
It is as if I have been falling
The sky is bright
And as I gaze out my window
My eyes behold a strange sight
I see a strange sight
Dancing in the rain
Children are laughing
As they dance in the rain
These children are laughing
Anger fills me to see them
I frown upon their existence

Light rains down from the night sky
Washing away all my fear of insanity
The rain is falling on my dark place
It melts my anger

There are no happy endings
Life is full of insane people
People are mad
Dark lies rule their lives
A young girl
Is caught in the dark
One of these creatures entangled her
He broke the glass window
Separating bright smiles and darkness
I was made to believe in insanity
Insanity is my Belief

I see children dancing
The rain has turned blood red
There is terror-chaos
Dark creatures roam
My mind has been taken over
Held in captivity
I am insane

Plop!

It reduces me to tears.  There is a hole in my heart.  A gap.  Not a gap, not a hole, there's a leak.  There's this spot that seeps.  Seeps out sadness and pain.  It is always going. It is like a dam.  Most days I don't notice it.  It just  continues to drip.  As everyday buzz and flurry soaks it all up.  I don't notice it everyday, but I do feel it.  I'm conscious of its presence.  The pressure it's building this leak no longer seeping.  It's spilling and rushing.  The floodgates are open, yet that's not enough.  It cascades it fills me.  This torrent of sorrow and pain. Then all of a sudden I fall deep asleep.  Wake and it's as if a mop sopped it all up.  I get up and go and I feel it the seeping as it drips, drips down into my toe.

Staying Alive the Only Way I Know How

We all live in a world of expectations and goals.  With the evolution of expectations we open the door to failure.  To some failure is nearly non existent, yet others can be nearly devastated by the occurrence.  There is lopsidedness to our very beings, conflictions that just rake us back and forth, ultimately causing turmoil within each and every one at some fleeting moment or another.  We are at war with ourselves fight for that last grip on what we are and who we want to become.  Expectations bind us to what we are either expectations we tie ourselves to or ones that others have tattooed to our lives without consent.  We, just tiny little creatures stand facing these gaping walls surround us, trapping us in our own little spheres the boundaries of which we don’t dare to break. 

I am surprised that failure has not pulled us out of the galaxy, because it weighs on us so heavily at times.  It weighs down our country, our economy, our schools, our homes, our lives, and our spirits.  It is a beast lurking at every turn, at every joyous moment, waiting to pounce on us when we are least expecting it.  There are times that we do not even pause to see what may take the responsibility for this failure.  Failure stalks us. We are presumably fleeing and staying out of its grips, yet it is stealthy, always one step ahead waiting for its golden moment.  We cannot evade it, this golden moment, it will arrive, make its grand entrance steal over the crowd and leave us in a state of defeat.  Nevertheless, there is a spark in each of us and only a select few will dig down deep enough to grasp it.  Of the precious few who have taken hold of that spark even fewer will be courageous enough to light their fire once again to take the risk and jump off the ledge; they will stumble back on stage and win back the crowd accepting the fact that defeat it once more on the horizon. 

We all have this light a “fiber, very thin but pure, of the enormous energy of the world,” this sliver of hope, this beam has been “thrust into [our] frail diminutive body,” by which we are replenished.  Failure is no longer on our horizon as we will fight our way back into the light.  The energy is fulfilling; it drives our ambitions, our dreams, and our faith.  In what we establish this faith we may be unaware, yet this energy makes us care not for that which we feel we just continue forging forward.  We are insignificant creatures and we will search anywhere to find our source of energy.  Many of us cannot look at something massive and incredible because we find that intimidating.  We resort to something we can relate to on a personal level, yet something that holds a significant “force” or “energy” for their size.  We do not realize in essence we are “little or nothing but life” who we are in the end doesn’t even matter, yet we still grasp life and what it has to offer. 

We are often bogged down by the world and life.  Time constricts us in so many ways confining us to limited moments and adventures.  There is this aura of subjectivity that we feel we are held submissive to.   Tragedy strikes within someone’s life a life altering moment, yet the world keeps on spinning it does not change.  We may be torn apart inside screaming with our eyes because perhaps that is the only way we know how, but still that power massed outside will remain indifferent and impersonal.  Only a being equally as insignificant as us will understand this feeling of emptiness and pain.  I am one of these insignificant beings; this unspoken power holds me prey.  It is through this that I relate on a deeper more significant level, I know this feeling of no control.  Through this absence of control there is a sense of failure.  Failure to what we perhaps if we were stronger could have controlled.  We may have prevented others from this pain. I find this to be a failure I am inadequate to portray through writing.   When you go through inexplicable moments and the only thing you want is for someone to notice your pain.  Nevertheless, you look outside at this amassed power you watch the world continue on as if nothing could ever be wrong at all.  You are staying alive the only way you know how.  All you hold onto is that “tiny bead of pure life” that sliver of hope that remains buried somewhere under all your fears. 

In the presence of sorrow often the only way to get through is to resort to a mask.  This mask will hide who we are as we put on a face to cover our true feelings, yet this presents problems when we wear a mask our “face grows to fit it." Though we can dance our way through problems and float across the surface in the end this uses all our energy.  It is impossible to last forever.  After hiding so long behind a mask and dancing we lose who we are. Bouts of depression may be caused by us pausing to take of our mask and examining who we used to be.  Many use all their energy up dancing their way through life and resort to their only way of escape. Death.

It is only when we relax and bring our minds to a place of serenity that we can truly live and breathe.  People speak of death as a time limit as if it is the worst possibility.  Death to some is something they are running from all theirs lives.  I for one believe that death can be a way of escape for many.  There are those who long for the day that they die whether or not they believe in after life in one form or another. This world is a prison to them and death is the only route to freedom. 

In life when we accept our failure and acknowledge our defeat it is only after that moment that we can choose what to do next we have two options: we can step back on that stage and proceed to play our encore with a ravaged peace and serenity within the air or we can triumph through death.  Through death we remain triumphant because it is only through death that we find ourselves without anyone holding us to standards.  Failure is not present in death.  All limits have been eliminated.  However, when we find ourselves standing on that stage the aura of victory fills the air crushing whatever signs of failure were remaining.  For this fleeting moment we are deaf to the thunder of failure approaching again; we are living the moment, grasping the now.