my whole life was a play
front and center with lines rehearsed perfectly
times i was behind the curtain
stepping off the stage to stand in the wing
which one was reality i still at time's have trouble distinguishing
where did the line draw its self
or was it simply fading together blurring
was there a line
he had two personalities it seems
i can attest to the fact that they did overlap
cause in the middle of touching me he never meant to
physically damage
as if in my bodily pain free moments
he was, in fact drawing a picture of a barbie doll girl
with her lips sealed tight in a modelesque smile
never once did i separate my lips to tell of the damage done
unto my bodily frame
you can say that he took from me
my innocence and purity tarnishing a gift of a physical form
i would beg to differ cause a body can be fixed
when a soul cannot
i'd rather break my leg or lose it in completeness
then to damage something that no one understands
you can't go to the hospital and fix your soul
heal your brain from a lifestyle of thinking
by the gods he robbed my soul
all that i never knew that i was
an identity crisis from age 1994 to nineteen
i never knew what i was
identity that's stapled through the things that i did
rather than who i was
the sports i participated in and the way people treated me
this is what taught me who i was
never understanding that who i am had nothing to do
with what was done to me and the affects of the people around me
regardless of the negative notations and lines drawn up
from the outside for me
the script that was written that was supposed to entail
the life i was living
wishing that those around me would comprehend
rather than just see what they were taking in
success in what i did never amounted to anything for me
but all people could see was a accomplished child from this
perfect home
maybe those are the one's we should worry about the most
just like hearing is not listening
and seeing is not understanding
directions don't automatically mean a finished result
no, there's a step in between that i fear we miss far too often
what if someone...
someone out there would have wondered
that these children form a home kept succeeding
how were children of such age doing so well
were there signs
with every medal and ribbon i wanted to crush it to the ground
nothing. absolutely nothing is what it meant to me
a gem to the world that get's thrown in a box
like the little subtle hints i thought i was leaving
were never retrieved if i could have received something
what was i searching for what kept me silent it's eating me alive right now
do you want to hear of my moment's that he stripped me of my clothes
my body was really never my own
the hours in the shower never made that little girl feel clean
weight of the world and unrealistic expectations
never escaped down the drain
each time i mess up i crumble inside
expecting the one i've offended to walk away in reply
perfection expected stand in error til corrected
inspection seems only to lead to rejection
she spoke of losing her love cause of the
way things were unraveling
led me to believe that if my
pieces were not aligned that they'd fall out of place
in place of perfection i'd be gather my collection
taking all that i was just a sketch of perfection
would you believe me if i told you
i'd rather be ugly
fail at all that i was and had
i struggle to understand
even after knowing
people try to diminish the pain
myself leading the pack writing a pact that the things unsaid
were never present to say
as if the terror that fills every victim of youth
the voice that screamed from my finally
knowledgeable head had nothing to reap
that it was better to let this wound fester
trying to photo-shop the truth in order that
society around us won't be offended or hurt
by the truth that is covered by dirt
you see they don't want to try to imagine the moments
for even a split second
the shoes of those abused are one's that none wish to fill
yet empathy you could feel would possible heal this
thorn in society. here now.
so often i think that we try to change the contrast
of abuse to fit in our lenses and fill the frame to
mesh with the color scheme of our genre
because after all isn't fitting society the most important
after all our generation does the most work,
not the one before us
or following us
we cannot leave it to those in the past or present
yet wait.
couldn't we reach more with this news if we kept it as it is
the truth in its flaws with the
lens flawed and the specks freckling the picture
through the reality of Christ in every situation
in each one of those specks reflects the light of Christ
projecting his affection and love that through you
could heal
he touched me.
i'd never left my own home
been set here in place
home schooled to be protected from the
wildness of the world and see Christ in a home
that I'd fully understand who Jesus was
had to understand this house was under attack
failure to preach of the powers of darkness
roaming and reaping attacking the strongest using
the weakest link
i was a foil of the weakest link
a foothold into that home
that eventually crumbled to the ground
and they say Christ and presence of prayer will turn away darkness
oh think again
might we not grow complacent to the reality of Satan
as if we are blind to the thought that with Christ sin will cease to exist
the adults in my life did not fail me or anyone in my family
it was Satan at work and i believe like i said before that
we forget to bridge the gap, that often
we try too hard to do the work
that Christ alone can do.
all the protection that was provided to me as a child was still not enough
to keep me from the grips of the sin in our world
yea i didn't know all the cuss words or innuendos
til i was fourteen, but this blanketing did not save me from
abuse. you see. i failed to see that Christ was my shield and my cover.
i prayed my way through and never once did i feel Christ was absent
at the age of 1994 to 9 i was able to understand that a haven awaited
me apart from this world and that through each moment i was brought
closer to this haven in heaven with Christ the only one who protected me
i fell in love with the process cause that's all i knew to do
each moment he touched me merely brought me closer to the end
the process
enabled through Christ my mind was not of my age
i understood that each moment was one step closer to eternity
each moment he touched me i thought was my fault and i'd spend
sleepless nights begging for the forgiveness of God
in order that after these moments i could in fact
reach that destination in heaven, with my father
though i had this misunderstanding of the salvation i was granted
i never lost the joy in knowing that a house above for me waited
you see we get hung up on the thought of why and how
weren't the plans drawn up right and the contract signed with
wages set in placed each stage set to be conquered and complete
got stuck in the mode of wondering why me instead of
(look to my left)
her.
you see i was hung up on what had me instead of you
when i failed to see that Christ was hung up for me
and for you and his hang up reigns far above all else
because while i suffered i had my father by me
encouraging me and getting me through
and Christ was alone abandoned by his father
for me.
to every boy
to every girl
every man woman and child
who feels defenseless
to each cry that was absorbed into your soul
each tear that was vaporized into the air
the make up and sweaters to hide the bruises
and every breath that struggled to exit your lungs
"Christ is the breath of life
let him be your inhaler"
i am here today as a testimony of Christ
and allow God to get the glory
because i like Paul reckon that the pain
and suffering of this present life are absolutely
nothing in comparison to the eternal weight of glory
awaiting to be revealed in us
for this was part of my process that led me to Christ
and if i had to go through it again to stand here
with knowledge that God relentlessly pursues me with his love
and with the knowledge of that relentlessly pursue those
around me
in order that they might
experience the glory waiting to be revealed in
us
