Went to the ER yesterday

I've attempted to write this post multiple times.  I want to write more frequently, yet I am a deeply emotionally driven person.  Hence I cannot force myself to make a post if i do not have anything that has inspired me.  Perhaps I have something to say today after multiple tries I came up with a thought.

As I was playing one of my favorite songs to play and sing on the piano Angel by Sarah McLachlan a thought struck.

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,
Oh, this glorious sadness,
That brings me to my knees.

As i was singing these simple words I came to a realization, that is, I realized this once was true of me.  To be truly happy I believe one must experience devastation and sadness.  In reaching a sobering low point one is able to appreciate the littlest blessing in life.

I used to savor my depression and found a comfort in this solidarity that i had created for myself.  this however creates an extremely unhealthy mental and physical status.  I cannot say i will never fall back into this, yet i do know I have learned that depression is not the answer.  Sadness can teach the world a multitude of valuable lessons.  We must come out of this sadness and times of trouble with a strength that only can be found through fibers being stripped clean and slowly rebuilt.

I have experienced sweet madness in my life.  And i have reached moments where it has been easier to embrace this the madness and sadness became a glorious thing to me.  it was why i woke every morning it was my purpose.

Brings Me To My Knees

....this is the line that has found me where i am today.  I woman who is a strong individual-through Christ.  I struggle with bringing myself to my knees and this is when i fall back into finding home in my madness.

I struggle every single day.

Very cliche blah post..not sure what i was getting at

I find myself looking at people's lives and being jealous.  Jealous of their family, clothes, cars, everything jealous at the mere fact that they look happy.  "They don't know how lucky they are" I will catch myself thinking.  Then i pause.

- i could be that person.  

Maybe there is some girl looking at me thinking the same thing when in reality we are exactly the same.

Everyone struggles in life.  I may seem like a picture perfect girl, no problems, life is going fabulous.  I'm going to University next year.  Life is good. And I am serious life is good.  It's the little things we must reflect on and hold on with all our might too so that we will see life as a beautiful thing.  

I have this thing where I believe i am going to die young.  Maybe because i secretly want that at times.  I have no desire to die or a desire too live. I am happy to live and i cherish life and what it offers.  It offers me a chance to help others and to smile and to gift the world with a gift whatever that may be.  

i really wish i could create an anonymous blog so that i could write about certain things so that i could help more people, yet not help just relate with my peers with people so that they may be able to help themselves. but no one would find it. and perhaps people knowing that i struggle with stupid silly things will help.

life is a personal decision.  how one looks at life is personal.  you can make promises for others. yet no matter how much you want to do it for them you will not be able to do it unless your heart and soul wants to do this.  Heart and soul that sounds cliche, but it's not. that's what it takes.

picture perfect girl..no. far from it. i am not. 

-depression

-insecurity

-eating

-family problems

-injuries

-faith

i've struggled with every single one of these.

you could call me a fake cause i "act" happy. yet it's not an act.  I am happy. happy to see you smile.   

amidst every problem you face.  take courage you are not alone. those people you look over at and are jealous of because they have the "perfect" life. don't we are all in this together.  we live we learn and with every hurt we become more beautiful.  we can find strength in each other

we must find our voice

 

come together

The beginning of the end...Friday

Saying goodbye
It takes all that I have
It's so good 'til it's gone
Crying when you hear
These words float from my mouth
You say,
"I'm still here"
"I always will be"
Impossible to say...
I just can't say
What is really on
On my mind
You are on my mind