Coffee

I drink coffee.  I drink a lot of coffee.  I drink unhealthy amounts of coffee.

I struggle with the concept of loving yourself.  I grew up in a setting where it was frowned upon to love yourself.  Perhaps it is simply the way that this statement has been phrased.  Let me rewrite it as, being happy with who you are as a person.

I do not adore who I am as a person.  It's the little things.  I for one do not like my intense consumption of coffee.  Is that a serious problem? No, I do not believe that it is.  However, it is something I wish to change about my lifestyle. 

You see those people who are on a quest to make a radical change in their life.  I am one of those people.  I seek to make a radical change.  I am weak.  Failure is all to clear of a realization.  I say I am going to change.  The list of changes is a mile long. 

I seek a better outlook.  I have turned from a list to a single change that I take on and strive to change.  Once I conquer I continue.  I continue on towards the next checkpoint.  Change is gradual.  You must die to yourself to move one.

"what lies behind you

what lies in front of you

pales in comparison to

what lies inside you" -MH

Clarity

Writing, a significant explanation of who I am.  Often who I once was.  The future.  Life is a journey.  Sadly, we often find ourselves in times of trouble and confusion.  Hope.  My hope is that someone may find clarity here.   

Love -

This simple word a lifeline.

Removing myself from self destructing behavior was incredibly difficult.

Love -

Four letters were branded upon my wrist in ink. There wasn't a day that went by that those letters were absent.

Love -

Love found its way somewhere else and I no longer depended solely upon this lifeline.

Love -

Showed up again. Was there.

Sitting on my wrist, where I was looking to sabotage my life once again, was the word

Love.

...used to be that someone loved me so I didn't do it...

Hope in the Future

Often I question my existence.  Why am I here?  Why do I walk this earth.  I know somewhere deep inside of me there is a reason.  A reason of tremendous significance. I am here to make a difference.  I have made mistakes.  At this stage of my life it is one of the most disastrous and chaotic times.  I am quite literally all over the place.  I do not like who I am.  I wonder everyday.  I wonder what am I doing. I let myself down every moment and instance.  What troubles me most is my lack of belief.  I am one of little faith.  Of little hope.  What keeps me going is that eventually somewhere in the future this will help.  It will help a child. A person. A being who is a shadow.  Possibly, something I'm doing now will help. 

I have a strong belief that our world has a marred view on what is and should be inspiring and looked up to.  What should a life changing moment be.  Many, I suppose, look towards those individuals or families who are healthy, successful,  and have what is considered to be strong faith.  These are our role models.  This I have found to be extremely discouraging.  Finding strength and encouragement.  I find strength in those who are weak.  I believe that no matter how far a person has gone either success or in what "we" as the world would stereo type as failure they have the ability to be the most inspiring person.  I have been inspired and challenged by homeless people on the edge of the street.  I have had my faith in Christ strengthened by one who had no belief.  

It is through these moments that I see glimmers of hope for who I am.  It is said that God has a plan.  Jeremiah 29:11 " plans for hope and a future"  It has been for sometime that my purpose in life is my life.  Life's little moments.  Every trial and encounter I have experienced and endured.  These moments are being etched into my memory.  I hope to reach many and inspire, yet isn't that every persons dream.   A dream to reach the world.  To bring hope to those who have none.  My vision. To reach the few who listen.  The few who are deaf to the world, but miraculously I was the one chosen to bring sound into their souls.  Perhaps it is a smile.  Or even a tear I cry that will touch the heart or soul of someone.  A stranger, a friend, or an enemy.  I will continue to live with the hope that I do have a purpose.  I have a purpose.  The future is my hope.

Sedated

From slicing and dicing
Searing and cutting
Appears the new mold
This mode of peace
I don't care what you think
No tension. Just chill it's like i'm high
I've never smoked a stoag and come out high
How am I chill.
It's chaotic.
What is this. it's like im dead
I'm a ghost walking around.
Living for others so they don't have to deal with my death
Living to keep you happy
Living for me, no
Living for peace living to survive
To move on this is what I live for
I live to find love
Love is my last quest
To feel loved
I never have.
Not a quest to make love.
Simply feel love and fall in love
If I can allow myself that vulnerability
I am ready to die.
I float through my days.
Everyday is the same
Whether I am productive
Or lazy and complete not a single task
I will be satisfied and have a calm being.
I don't have a soul.

It's in a bind.

Look at all the people...

It is one thing to cry yourself to sleep, yet something completely different to simply fall asleep crying.