Rent

Renting for a time it may be nice
but the time has come I want to be bought
I want to commit: grasp the unknown
inexplicably scary

take my love, take my body
use my soul, use my spirit
for a time it can be yours
treat me like you own me
shake me up my insides in shambles
trying to release, but the lease
(impossible to place my mind at ease)
holds me back. mold become ice cold
abuse me, you'll never confuse me
your lies they will not reside by my side
as the last check come's in from your
falsified love i'll be up and gone
as i cash that last check
your name now gone for good
the money i'll use to get those stains off my hood
rent out my love like a paperback novel

i'd rather be alone on the streets
nowhere to call home than to be caught
in thought with a knot attached to your cot
anxiety that comes with owing you love
i would rather keep the little i have

i've got holes in my walls from the tenants before you
wages i've paid in attempt to repay you
apologies for drunken nights
the stains on the carpet will not soon fade
the paint on the walls portrays different shades
patches and blotches of flaws trying to be erased

own me. take control of me
take my spirit refurbish my soul
wash over me like a flood, drown me
from the base of the pool
draw me up. revive this life
with a spark reignite
gut this vessel, tear me apart from the inside out
through the molding of your hands perfection is made
i'm your temple
now a fit structure to encompass
the incredible masses of your
indescribable love

perfected in your eyes
my maker

aware

i am thankful for pain, so that in its absence i'm appreciative

if you looked like your personality

your eyes would hold the sky

i'd gaze in your eyes cause they look like the galaxy

your heart would encompass your entire body like a bubble

stretching and growing to hold capacities of love

.flowers.

tomorrow I was reckless
today proved me wrong

tomorrow things just happened
today made the call

tomorrow i lost my little girl smile
today brought it back

tomorrow i sold my body
today bewitched my soul

tomorrow i was worthless
today that was confused

tomorrow will soon happen
but today changed it all

his name is, Today.

Empowered

“Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by silence” Henri Frederic Amiel

10 years ago I sat in front of my parents terrified.
I feared they would never love me after the words I would say.
I feared every minute of the future.
The immediate future.
The next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, hours, days, and years.
I feared the rest of my life.

Within the next 5 to 10 minutes I would tell my parents of the sexual abuse that had been occurring for as long as my memories would refer back to.
The minutes after I uncontrollably shook.
The hours after I retold each moment.  Time after time.  After time.
Each time reliving it.
That moment I watched as words that fell from my lips shook my family to its very foundation.
It shook each of us to Christ.
My reality was now completely and amazingly transformed into something new.
For me, it was a brilliant new chapter of life I was free of a secret I had held and believed for so long.
One that told me that I was marred and something was incredibly wrong with me.
I was victor over this through Christ and the empowerment that instilled in me to release the hold that Satan had over me through my abuser.
As this tragic news became reality I saw them process and grieve through something that was a victorious moment was their extreme downfall.
Shock and disbelief are inadequate words to describe what was transpiring.
February 9, was a day of Freedom.

Today, for me, is a significant mile marker.
It marks, that I have now been over half of my life abuse free.
It has been a long road of recovery and there are still moments.
Moments where Satan uses this sadness to get a foothold in my life.
However, I have a incredible God who has instilled in me a peace.
He has provided me with multiple trials since then that break me to my core,
yet through Him and falling into Christ I am as strong a woman that I could aspire to be.
This experience did not ruin my life and it did not make me a weaker person.
Yahweh, my Father in heaven has freed me from this abuse.
Most of all He continues to show His presence, acceptance, and a love that will never fail me.

The tragedy of abuse was my life for so long.  The tragedy of child abuse is the reality of many children today.  I believe that God will use me in an incredible way to impact the lives of others.  I would urge every other child or person that has experienced similar difficulties in their lives to speak out about it.  With our silence we are enabling.  Enabling darkness and pain.  The powers of darkness held me captive and silent for 9 years.  It is my prayer that you right now may be empowered through Christ to speak out.  Your voice has the ability to heal yourself and save the other children at risk by your abuser.

And hey, remember, this is not your fault.  It never was. And it never will be.  

Curiosity

"Be careful who you open up to.  Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious."

It is said that Curiosity killed the cat.  In other words, they are alluding to the thought that Curiosity kills us.  Ahh! And I must agree.  However, aside from popular belief I must suggest that it is the Curiosity of others that kills us.  We tear ourselves open to those around us hoping to be lined with the fine gold of Care, yet in return we are filled with the mindless hubbub and mold of, the gremlin more eloquently referred to as, Curiosity.

Bewitched

one of the most meaningful
the most meaningful words that fell from your lips
you respect me because i respect myself so much
i came from the slough where i fell to my knees
crawled towards approval with eyes cast towards the ground
dignity