Memories..
I love memories, yet I hate to remember. I think back of when I was a little girl. I am reduced to tears because life is so fleeting. Can’t I be a child forever? I hate memories. I hate being able to remember. It tears me apart. It is the constant possibility of nightmares, horrible nightmares, ones that when I wake, I cannot shake off. They have the ability to hang with me all day. I do not try to remember my childhood because it is clouded with hurt and pain. I miss my childhood terribly. I miss the happy moments. Times when I would choose to forget and enjoy the fleeting moments. I do not understand myself. The random moments that I cannot withhold the tears, times when I am filled with anger and the urge to take it out on something, and times I just give up. I will never understand myself because I will never understand what happened to me.
I read somewhere once that some people can't really finish a thought, get it all the way out of their head, unless they get it into writing. I have a suspicion that you're one of us. :) It helps so much to get it out. Even if it's just expressing that I can't express myself! If I write it ... it lets off some sort of built up steam inside. I think blogs are for those kind of people. I can see Kaisha doing it on her blog sometimes. I'll read her post and feel so much better for her, just knowing she got it out of herself and onto "paper". It's a healing sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate, a little bit, to this post. I have a truckload of memories that I'm not sure now what to do with. Delete them? Throw them away? Deny that they exist? Keep them? I watched a Mark Driscoll sermon a while back and he said that a person can know that they've dealt with the past if they're able to talk about it. Hmmmm. I'm with you ... still trying to figure it out. But I have a hunch that someday you will understand. And that you're going to be able to turn around and help other people understand ... in a godward sense, not so much in an earthly, tangible sense. I don't know. I'm not sure. But I am sure that you're brave, and strong, and have a lot of guts. And you're looking some ugly enemy square in the face, and you're going to come out on top.
First off I want to thank you for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts with me. It is a tremendous encouragment to me! I keep coming back and reading your comments as they are a constant encouragment to me. So thank you!
ReplyDeleteI do find myself rambling sometimes and I've come to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with that. I totally agree that once you are able to openly speak about your problems and past only then have you dealt and begun to deal with your problems. It is as if you are really "facing your fears."
Yes! Accepting our own ramblings. I am so there. I also have some things that I used to think I had all figured out, but now I know that I don't have them figured out and I have no space in my head to figure them out. I'm learning to accept that. And to know that God's the one who shook my life up and dumped it all out on the table. So, I'm ok with the scattered mess that I think I am right now. Waiting. Hoping and wondering if it will ever get sorted out. I think both. Some of the mess will always be there now. But some of it will get reorganized and put away.
ReplyDeleteI drove past something that evokes horrible memories. Gripping. Make me sick sort of thoughts. But it didn't do that this time. Just a fleeting thought that I usually can't be here without thinking certain things and that I wasn't thinking them! I think its a little piece of moving on and sorting out. Ahhhh. A glimmer that maybe life won't always be what its been.